Let me start by first saying how incredibly thankful and excited we are to be expecting our second child! My dream job was to always be a Mother. Literally in my Kindergarden journal my mom saw the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and my answer was "A Mommy'"!. I thank the Lord every day that he saw me fit to do so, and that I have the ability to be a Stay At Home Mommy at that! I truly am doing exactly what I have always wanted!
This pregnancy though, has been so different from Charli's in so many ways; emotionally and mentally. You see, Steven and I experienced a miscarriage before conceiving Charli and due to my illness I had to be taken in and put under for a procedure to remove the baby.
Absolutely nothing can describe the heartache and devastation that Steven and I felt as we were going through that time. But through powerful prayer as a couple we knew that God had a plan and that this was all a part of it, and we were at Peace.
A couple of months later we were pregnant with Charli! You could imagine the world wind of emotions that we were going through. We didn't want to get "too attached" to this baby in fear that we could miscarry again. However, as we continued to get further along and our amazing OB confirmed that we would be in the clear with Charli, we wanted to shout our news from the rooftops!
I can't tell you how excited we were to be expecting our first child! Steven and I both knew we wanted to start a family right away and we were finally doing just that!
Steven read probably every book under the sun about pregnancy and what to expect at each and every stage and we were both so invested in the pregnancy itself...
Which is what brings me to today and how guilty I feel for not being THAT invested this time around.
Like I said, I can't tell you how happy I am to be pregnant and being able to bring another baby into our crazy little family, and how excited yet scared (in fear of miscarrying) we were when we found out over Christmas that we were pregnant again!
But as I sit here and compare this pregnancy with the last, I can't help but be emotional and have lost tears at night because I haven't felt the "same" as I did during our pregnancy with Charli...
I am so incredibly thankful for a husband who truly listens and really understands and knows exactly how I am feeling, so listening to him tell me that everything I am experience is completely normal makes me feel a little better... He knows just how much I love this baby growing inside me, but he also knows that 'We have been there done that', 'We know what to expect this time around, where as before we didn't', and of course 'We are busy chasing around an almost two year old all day every day that we don't have a whole lot of free time like we did the last pregnancy'.
I am also thankful to a few of my Mommy friends who have multiple children who have all said the same thing as well, and that they understand exactly what I am going through.
To know that I am not alone in this and am not a horrible mother.
Because you see, I may feel guilty because I am not laying around every moment of the day rubbing my tummy and talking to the baby, because this go around, what I am truly invested in the most is our Charli Adele...
I invest my time more into her bond/relationship with this baby in my belly (having her talk and sing to the baby and kiss my tummy), I want her to know that she is not being "replaced", and I want all of the transitions from being an only child to a big sister to be as smooth and easy as possible for her. Most importantly I want to make sure she knows just how much her Momma and Dadda love her and the new baby!
I know that as my tummy grows and I really start feeling baby H move (I finally felt baby move last night and again today; at 18 weeks), and when we find out what we are having, I will start to feel more at peace and really bond with this baby like I did with Charli!
Mommy loves you peanut, with all of my heart!
Keep growing strong and healthy!
Your daddy, sister, and I can't wait to meet you and start our life together as a family of 4!